Grover Jones and The Art Of Siegecraft (1999-2001)


During the recording of their 2001 opus – the EP, “Skirt Length & Grammar” – the original members of Grover Jones and the Art of Siegecraft were tragically destroyed when guitarist Brother Lachie finally discovered the fabled “brown note”. Countless bands sprang up in Grover Jones…’ wake, cashing in on their already prodigious success – notably, Trevor Jones and the Lost Art of Stagecraft. The backlash was sudden and devastating, while bootlegs of an infamous set of the original band, “Live At Mortlake”, quickly became collectors’ items. Deep Purple’s management (who own the rights to the Grover Jones and the Art of Siegecraft name), quickly stepped into the breech, and announced the “official” rebirth of Grover Jones and the Art of Siegecraft. To wit:


Prof. Cam Shafton [Stuart Anderson] (Lead drums, Paisley): A respected session drummer (Savatage, Coverdale/Page) and part-time evil genius. Picking up the sticks for Grover Jones completes Phase II of the Professor’s sinister plan for world domination. 


Necro Savalas
(Backing Vocals, Gauntlets): Recently quit his post layering harmonies for Destiny’s Child to concentrate on more “manly” music. Necro’s swarthy good looks and easy charm, not to mention his slender ankles, make him an ideal front man for Grover Jones.


Dr. Phu
(Guitar, Bass, Keyboards, Ciggies): The doctor is afflicted with a case of tinnitus so severe that if he were to stop playing music for an instant he would go immediately insane. This is due to his leaving school at the tender age of 15 to become Manowar’s “stage canary” – whenever his eardrums exploded this would indicate that the band should turn down their amps.


Good Time Larry (Bass, Keyboards, Harmonica, Jerky): Before Grover Jones, Larry had no musical experience other than the spoons, which he plays with a distinctively Creole, “upper-thigh” style. Fortunately, Larry’s stunning looks, “zany” personality and Ventolin addiction have not stood in the way of a steep learning curve. 


Barry Manifold (Guitar, Bass, Leather): The heavily tattooed guitarist recently completed a jail term for the brutal, ritualistic slaying of Njorl, the lead singer of his Norwegian black metal band, The Grym and Mysty Beard of Thor. Norway’s progressive justice system and the calling in of a few favours high in the Immigration department allowed for Barry’s early parole, conditional on him joining Grover Jones for “therapeutic” purposes.

The fire that followed the destruction of the band also engulfed the original master tapes of Skirt Length & Grammar and Soundpark Studios. A few skerricks were recovered by master engineer, Idge E. Crack, best known for his work in the “holiday song” industry. Unfortunately, the new band were unable to grasp the complex melodies and shifting time signatures of the progressive rock pieces recorded by the original band. (Studio chat on the recovered tapes reveals His Holiness Sam explaining to Reverend Ben that “this album is going to be our Kid A. Oh shit, I dropped my ciggie in the mellotron!”) Thus, a memo came down from management’s helper monkey – “START AGAIN STOP [this was very confusing] DELIVER 100% BLUES VIOLENCE STOP!” 

And so they did…

Abandon yourselves to total energy and abnegation of the self! Exterminate all the brutes!

Grover Jones - St Kilda SLSC - The End Of The Road

Is this rock bottom or the height of rock and roll decadence?

© Stuart Anderson 2019